topic Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!! in Operating System - HP-UX

The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Paula J Frazer-Campbell — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:02:18 GMT

Question:-

1.

How can I stop certain users using su?

What I wanted to answer:-

Remove S and U from their keyboards.

2.

Question:-

My server won't boot.

Answer:-

So!!!

Paula

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Ian Dennison_1 — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:04:16 GMT

3. [From a DBA or User] Why doesn't my script / command / query work?

Answer:- Because you only THINK you know what you are doing!

Share and Enjoy! Ian

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Bill McNAMARA_1 — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:06:35 GMT

q. what's the equivalent of the hp-ux command xyz on solaris?

a. rm -Rf /*

q. how do I erase the contents of the disk to DoD standards?

a. shoot the disk.

Later,
Bill

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Pete Randall — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:14:24 GMT

Half the questions asked around here could be answered by the standard Doctor response: When the patient complains "Doc, it hurts when I do this", the Doctor replies, "Well, then don't do that".

I've always been sorely tempted to use that reply.

;^)

Pete

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

H.Merijn Brand (procura — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:25:35 GMT

Almost daily:

q. How do I solve this administration probblem with my Oracle database

a. Don't use Oracle. It is expensive and needlesly complicated. Go for PostGress or MySQL. These are free and simple

Regularly:

q. How do I solve this problem with awk/sed/python/php

a. Use perl to solve the problem

Often:

q. I cannot ...

a. That is probably a security measurement. You are not allowed to ...

q. Need help with script(ing)

a. Stop asking, and buy a book about scripting on Unix. Or do a course. Learn Perl and after you're done with that, rethink your question and you will see that you already have the answer.

This is goooooood Paula. Finally I can say what I think without getting someone angry, which is what I do not want in this wonderful forum

Enjoy, have FUN! H.Merijn

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Chris Wilshaw — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:28:34 GMT

Q) I have a file containing a load of details that I need to process

Need to do this ASAP. Help.

A) Firstly, how about a clue. What is the data, and what do you need to do to it?

What you're really saying is that you don't know how to do your job, and you need us to get you out of a fix with your employers, who probably value your (laughable) skills, and pay you far too much. Tell you what, why don't you get them to send us the money, and we'll send them the script by return.

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Radhakrishnan Venkatara — Fri, 23 May 2003 09:36:07 GMT

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it ?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one ?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when
I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it
is
better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now'
is.
Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to
the Pascal compiler team...

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

John Meissner — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:00:20 GMT

Question:
I need 5 user accounts on every server modeled after so-and-so.
Answer:
really? that's nice

Question:
I'm having a problem on a server when I'm runnig this app/script.
Answer:
must be user error/must be a bad application/bad script.

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

John Meissner — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:02:21 GMT

question:
how do I do ?
Answer:
it's intuitive... go figure it out.

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

BLADE_1 — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:06:34 GMT

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'98 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would work with anyone's bread. It would take a long time to warm up. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Religious wars would (re)start.

BLADE
"Always Sharp"

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

melvyn burnard — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:23:23 GMT

I am not allowed to answer, sadly ;-}

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Paula J Frazer-Campbell — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:28:50 GMT

Question: -

"Problem with tar"

Answer: -

No Problems - Mentholated spirits or petrol (gas) should remove it - No smoking though!!

Paula

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Darren Prior — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:29:24 GMT

These are all true calls that I have taken whilst in a Unix support role - the names have been changed to protect the um, innocent:

PROBLEM: uncontrolled power down of system.. colleague wanted to plug in microwave.. now has problem with remote printers

PROBLEM: has a modem using cable from RS (rs202-616) and it won't work with cable either way round. Advised customer not to use a parallel cable with his serial modem.

PROBLEM: has 2 modems on same phone line, both configured to answer the line with gettys... he's sure that it will increase capacity...

regards,

Darren

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Paula J Frazer-Campbell — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:45:17 GMT

One from a long time ago:-

"Systems department; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Paula

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Radhakrishnan Venkatara — Fri, 23 May 2003 10:54:03 GMT

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

BLADE_1 — Fri, 23 May 2003 11:06:08 GMT

messages at a UNIX command prompt.

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

blade

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Geoff Wild — Fri, 23 May 2003 11:30:13 GMT

Here's a (sorry) Solaris one:

"Don't pound on the mouse like a wild monkey (stress test)."

- actual workaround on sunsolve.com

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Massimo Bianchi — Fri, 23 May 2003 11:34:29 GMT

Q: i was playng with this command and now the system does not boot any more...

R: sorry. Very sorry... ah, ah, ah...

BTW: a true story.

One of my mates was called to gain space from disk. He gzipped some files.

The customer followed the case, and after tried to gain space by himself.

BUT he gzipped also /stand/vmunix......
He asked how can he boot then !!!

We gave no answer, we were laughting too much.

Massimo

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Jeff Schussele — Fri, 23 May 2003 11:43:50 GMT

Blade..that was way funny!
Loved it!!

Rgds,
Jeff

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Patrick Wallek — Fri, 23 May 2003 12:10:02 GMT

2 answers I would love to give sometime.....

1) Use the search function you fool.....This question has only been asked about 1,000 times.

2) Learn the most basic of the unix commands: man. man is your friend. When you do use the man command, try actually reading what it says. The man pages really are there for your benefit.