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The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

 
Paula J Frazer-Campbell
Honored Contributor

The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Question:-

1.

How can I stop certain users using su?

What I wanted to answer:-

Remove S and U from their keyboards.

2.

Question:-

My server won't boot.

Answer:-

So!!!

Paula
If you can spell SysAdmin then you is one - anon
74 REPLIES 74
Ian Dennison_1
Honored Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

3. [From a DBA or User] Why doesn't my script / command / query work?

Answer:- Because you only THINK you know what you are doing!

Share and Enjoy! Ian
Building a dumber user
Bill McNAMARA_1
Honored Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

q. what's the equivalent of the hp-ux command xyz on solaris?

a. rm -Rf /*

q. how do I erase the contents of the disk to DoD standards?

a. shoot the disk.

Later,
Bill
It works for me (tm)
Pete Randall
Outstanding Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Half the questions asked around here could be answered by the standard Doctor response: When the patient complains "Doc, it hurts when I do this", the Doctor replies, "Well, then don't do that".

I've always been sorely tempted to use that reply.

;^)

Pete

Pete
H.Merijn Brand (procura
Honored Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Almost daily:

q. How do I solve this administration probblem with my Oracle database

a. Don't use Oracle. It is expensive and needlesly complicated. Go for PostGress or MySQL. These are free and simple

Regularly:

q. How do I solve this problem with awk/sed/python/php

a. Use perl to solve the problem

Often:

q. I cannot ...

a. That is probably a security measurement. You are not allowed to ...


q. Need help with script(ing)

a. Stop asking, and buy a book about scripting on Unix. Or do a course. Learn Perl and after you're done with that, rethink your question and you will see that you already have the answer.

This is goooooood Paula. Finally I can say what I think without getting someone angry, which is what I do not want in this wonderful forum

Enjoy, have FUN! H.Merijn
Enjoy, Have FUN! H.Merijn
Chris Wilshaw
Honored Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Q) I have a file containing a load of details that I need to process

Need to do this ASAP. Help.

A) Firstly, how about a clue. What is the data, and what do you need to do to it?

What you're really saying is that you don't know how to do your job, and you need us to get you out of a fix with your employers, who probably value your (laughable) skills, and pay you far too much. Tell you what, why don't you get them to send us the money, and we'll send them the script by return.
Radhakrishnan Venkatara
Trusted Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it ?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one ?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when
I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it
is
better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now'
is.
Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to
the Pascal compiler team...

Negative thinking is a highest form of Intelligence
John Meissner
Esteemed Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

Question:
I need 5 user accounts on every server modeled after so-and-so.
Answer:
really? that's nice

Question:
I'm having a problem on a server when I'm runnig this app/script.
Answer:
must be user error/must be a bad application/bad script.
All paths lead to destiny
John Meissner
Esteemed Contributor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

question:
how do I do ?
Answer:
it's intuitive... go figure it out.
All paths lead to destiny
BLADE_1
Frequent Advisor

Re: The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'98 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would work with anyone's bread. It would take a long time to warm up. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Religious wars would (re)start.


BLADE
"Always Sharp"
fortune favours the brave