Sys-Admin Humor II (Son of Sys-Admin Humor)

[Patrick Wallek]

Based on requests that I start a new Sys-Admin Humor thread, and since the old one has almost 250 responses, I am starting this thread.

If you wish to post new Sys-Admin Humor please post them here.

As I have done with the more recent Sys-Admin Humor posts, all replies will receive '0' points.

This thread is for entertainment value only! It is not for earning a bunch of points by posting multiple jokes.

That being said, everyone have fun.

If anyone wishes to read the jokes in the old thread, just follow this link:

http://forums.itrc.hp.com/cm/QuestionAnswer/1,,0x0bb4854994d9d4118fef0090279cd0f9,00.html

[John Poff]

Hi,

Back in the 80's I worked for a very small software company. I used to program and do some phone support. Towards the end of one long day I was on the phone helping an inexperienced user load an program update from the DOS prompt. I told him, "Now look at your screen. Do you see the cursing flasher?" He replied, "Yes". I realized what I had said (I had meant to say, flashing cursor), and I had to put him on hold for a few minutes until I finished laughing. The funny part was, the user never picked up on what I had said.

JP

[Brian M Rawlings]

Great Thread (again or still, whichever).

For anyone out there who hasn't heard of the BOFH (bastard operator from hell), here is a link to the archives. Oldie but goodie -- you have to have been around for a while to appreciate all the "old" computer stuff. PC users will be even more lost ("what the bleep is 'batch printing?'")

http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html

The series goes on through several episodes... fairly long, but a must if you are going to properly irritate... er, deal with, your users.

Regards to all. --bmr

[Stephanie Nicholls]

For any one who's ever had to work second or third level support with a help desk operator who is less than useful the following will probably make you laugh, then cry.

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/tickets1.htm

Steph

[paul fritzsche_1]

I had an intressting experiance once. I worked at a local small computercompany. It was in a very smal suburb and there arent many that knows about computers around but it was during a time when EVERYONE wanted to have a computer. Even the farmers =)

Anyway. I received a phonecall from a man that said his monitor was broken. When it was turned on, he couldnt see anything on the screen but the lamp on the screen was green so it wasnt dead. He asked me if he could bring it in right away. A while later he brought everything in. compo, diplay, keyboard, mouse, everything in and we hooked everything up. Just as he had described it was black, but when looking very carefully something was way back in the screen. I hooked in a new monitor and it was working just fine. No problem with gfx-card or monitorcable. I hooked in his monitor again and saw that "thing" way back in the monitor. Very strange never seen anything like it. Then it struck me, maybe he had fiddled with the brightness and contrast? I switched them and there was the picture again. He then outbursted: OH! NO! NOT AGAIN!

his son had done this to him before a couple of times and I couldnt stop me from starting to laugh. I felt so sorry for him that he didnt have to pay. =)

[Bill McNAMARA_1]

problem report form:

http://www.eecis.udel.edu/%7Eway/sysadmin.html

Later,
Bill

[Brian M Rawlings]

Hi, here is a link to a site not really related to computing per se, but with immense humor per kbyte (IMHO).

www.pixelscapes.com/spatulacity/button.htm

Enjoy! --bmr

[Brian M Rawlings]

This may not seem computer-relevant, until you realize that cows are the worlds largest producer of chips...

A lesson in COWNOMICS:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with
a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly-owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows. When challenged regarding your two cows, you immediately surrender them.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and! learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them, and grow filthy rich.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman
who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

SOCIALISM
You have two cows.
The government takes one to give to someone else.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and gives you some of the milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and sells you the milk. Don't even think about not buying it.

NAZISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots one,
and pours the milk down the drain.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

[Ian Dennison_1]

Number 2 on the list of things you shouldn't drop.

Share and Enjoy! Ian

[RAJESH GANGADHARAN]

One of the PC user was complaining about the file copying. He feels it is very slow. I checked up the system and didn't found anything wrong. The user was doing the copying in GUI(WIndows). I decresed the resolution to 640*480 sothat the copying screen is much bigger(the two folders in the copy screen are now very close to each other) then I asked him to try. He started copying files and told me that I feel now it is much Faster .......

[Stefan Schulz]

Hi,

don't you all know this effect:

-You tell your users you will update the application/server/network ... on the next weekend.
-Then something goes wrong/is missing and you can't do anything. So everything is exactly the same on monday as it was on friday.
-On monday you don't have to wait more than five minutes until the first user complains about something. Preferably with the words "Since you messed with the system this weekend ..."
-The whole monday will be lost explaining the users that you didn't do anything. And some will still not belive you until thursday.

I like my users, they are so predictable (hope this ist the right word).

CU

Stefan

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

You Know You're a Magician When...


...you own more than three tuxedos.
...your twin boys are named Siegfried and Roy.
...your idea of a fun date involves a lady and a saw.
...you have a dog named "Houdini".
...you go to the S&M store for handcuffs but not for the reason they think.
...you are back-ordered for rabbits and mice at the pet store.
...you have more than three decks of cards on you at any given time.
...you introduce your wife as "My assistant."
...someone ask for your card you give them the Ace of Diamonds.
...you wear black on the Anniversary of Houdini's death.
...you see a bag and wonder how long it would take to escape from it.
...you try to teach your cat to jump through burning hoops like Siegfried and Roy's tigers.
...your best pick up line begins with "Pick a card".
...you watch the space shuttle lift off and start thinking of ways to make it disappear.
...you have never been to the loony bin, yet you own a straight jacket.
...no one will play cards with you.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

1) The guys at the blood bank told me this might happen.

2) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

3) I was working smarter - not harder.

4) I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7) I'm in the management training program.

8) I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

9) This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

10) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

11) Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

12) The coffee machine is broken....

13) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

14) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

15) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

16) I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

17) The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

18) Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Sorry missed the title:-

EXCUSES IF CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK:-

1) The guys at the blood bank told me this might happen.

2) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

3) I was working smarter - not harder.

4) I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7) I'm in the management training program.

8) I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

9) This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

10) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

11) Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

12) The coffee machine is broken....

13) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

14) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

15) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

16) I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

17) The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

18) Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

ONE FOR US GIRLS :-

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.













5. It is important that these four men never meet.


LOL

Paula

[Rita C Workman]

Here's another for Princess Paula..:
6. It is important to find a man that makes more money than you can spend-for that is the true mark of a real woman (as stated by Lana Turner) !!

Loved the cow one and rolled at that #2 picture of what not to do.

Here's my contribution:
Just some sayings:

Unix is a very user friendly system - it's just picky who it's friendly with.

Oracle=One Real A%^%$# Called Larry Ellison

The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of the DBA.

System complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the administrator who must maintain it.

Technology is domininated by two types of people: those who understand what they do NOT manage, and those who manage what they do NOT understand.

Users never seem to know what they want, but they claim they'll know it when they see it.

Rgrds,
Rita

..where's my coffee..

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

A little light humor...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Deepak Extross]

This site is hilarious...
http://www.mirrorimage.com/air/

[Keely Jackson]

Hi

You may have seen this before, but I quite like it.

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine.

For example, "House" in French, is feminine-"la maison", "Pencil" in French, is masuline "le crayon"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

Cheers
Keely

[Ian Dennison_1]

Probably culturally insensitive, but helps the punchline.

Several aliens were recently hired by a big corporation.
"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing. You will get all the usual benefits and
you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please
don't eat any of the other employees." The aliens promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working
very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our
secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?" The aliens all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the aliens said to
the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand
raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the aliens continued,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"

Share and Enjoy! Ian

[Patrick Wallek]

I love it, Ian.

Absolutely priceless!!!!!!!!

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really sh!t day.

Bored in his History lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the Inflatable Headmaster walking towards him and being so upset about school he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He thinks "I'd better get out of here" and runs out of the School. But just as he gets outside he thinks "I hate School " and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable School.
He then runs off home.
Two hours later his mum is knocking at his bedroom door with the Police..
Panicking he pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Late on the evening he wakes up in Hospital and looks to his left and the Headmaster is in the bed next to him.

Shaking his head the Headmaster says " Son , you've let me down, you've let the School down but worse of all you've let yourself down"


LOL

Paula

[Ian Dennison_1]

How do you know that you have been in London too long?

1. You say "the City" and expect everyone to know which one.
2. You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5. You step over people who collapse on the Tube.
6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
7. You've considered stabbing someone.
8. Your door has more than three locks.
9. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
10. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
11. You consider Essex the "countryside".
12. You think Hyde Park is "nature".
13. You're paying 1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a "bargain".
14. Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.
15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
16. You pay 3 pounds without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
17. You actually take fashion seriously.
18. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
19. The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
20. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
21. Your idea of personal space is no one actually physically standing on
you.
22. 50 pounds worth of groceries fit in one plastic bag.
23. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
24. You don't hear sirens anymore.
25. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air/water quality and what it's doing to your insides.
26. You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
27. Your cleaner is Portugese, your grocer is Somali, your butcher is halal, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Philippino, your bartender is Australian, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was African, your newsagent is Indian and your local English chippie owner is Turkish.
28. You wouldn't want to live anywhere else until you get married.
29. You roll your eyes and say 'tsk' at the news that someone has thrown himself under a tube train.
30. Your day is ruined if you don't get a copy of Metro on the way to work.

I only lived in London for 6 weeks when I first got here, but that was enough!

Share and Enjoy! Ian the Kiwi

[Brian M Rawlings]

There are three kinds of people in this world, those that can count, and those who can't.

(binary doesn't enter into this one...)

--bmr