The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

[George_Dodds]

Manager:- is it fixed yet

Sysadmin:- No the hot swap disk has failed

Manager: - Well when will it be fixed!!

Sysadmin:- (hits the manager with the drive and puts it back in the server)...It work's fine now :)

George "not condoning server room violence" Dodds

[Ron Brown_2]

User: e-mail is not working

Sysadmin: how do you know?

User: because $username did not get the message I just sent.

Sysadmin: did you get an error message or returned message telling you this?

User: No, I called $username after I clicked send and asked if he got my message.

Sysadmin:

[Ron Brown_2]

Sure, I'll not eat the meal I just paid for and will rush right back in to work on your little problem.

or

You know, I think the Internet is broken. Why not wait a while and then resend your message? It should be fixed soon.

[Chris Vail]

Q: Why doesn't it work?

A: Its your system: you had it written to your specification--why are you asking me why it doesn't work?

Q: Why does it take so long to get anything done around here?

A: You wrote the policies and procedures, why are you asking me?

Q: I want this done NOW! TODAY! The project will fail if this doesn't get done immediately.

A: You're the Project Manager, and you're supposed to plan this sort of thing. Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part. Go ask my boss if he thinks that your project is more important than his. If so, he'll tell me and I'll get right on it. Otherwise, it goes into the 'IN' box.

Q: Can you do this for me?
A: What would I do with a life if I had one? What is it?......

[Tim D Fulford]

This is more of a story than a snappy one liner.

Jr support engineer ALWAYS asking the same type of questions....

Jr SE .. My customer has complained that his system has just reported a disk missing. How do I investigate this?

Me .. OK start with ioscan -funCdisk, look in /var/adm/daemons and syslog.log ...

Jr SE .. (he has printed out the ioscan -funCdisk which covers 3 pages). Here is the output, which disk is it.

Me .. (browse pages for 30 secs & see NO_HW, I circle lightly with my pencil). OK I know which disk has gone wrong, why dont you take a look at these outputs & see if you can figure it out for yourself. Come back in 10 minutes

Jr SE .. (dissapeared for 1 hour). Comes back I found the disk it is x/y/x...

Me .. GREAT (he is finally learning!)

Colleague .. Tim, why did you send Jr SE to ask me dumb questions about a failed disk when YOU had already highlighted it in the output. I put him straight, told him to start to think a bit more or find another job.

I gave up after this.....

Tim

[Scott Van Kalken]

I had a really good one recently:

Head Honcho: "The internet isn't working"

Scott: "Hang on let me check"



Scott: "I think the Flux
Capacitor isn't working, I'll go and reset it"

Head Honcho: "Ok, can you call me when it is"

Scott: "Give it 5 minutes, should be ok then"


This happened about 5 weeks ago. I really did manage to keep a serious look when I said "flux capacitor" too!!!!!



Scott.

[Reinhard Burger]

Hi
Ican add a true story as well :

I got a call from one of my users :

User : If i switch off the application it starts beeping ?

Me : What does this mean ? Beeping ?

User : It starts beeping. I get 5 beeps and if i restart the application then it stops.

Me : Just wait. I come over to your office. I want to see that.

When i arrived at his office it was reall beeping. In the meantime it was not stopping beeping independent if the application was running or not.

Me: If you take your pager away from the PC and you commit the message on it . Does it stop beeping then ?

[melvyn burnard]

This one happens to be my favourite:


NAME
rtfm - read the fscking manual

SYNOPSIS
rtfm [ -index | +chapter | +page ] manual

DESCRIPTION
rtfm is a means by which answers to questions can be found
without interrupting other users or other already running
processes.

rtfm can be useful to anyone needing an answer to a question
or a clarification on almost any subject. It can also be
useful to anyone who wishes to offer similar information to
others in advance of their own questions without providing
the entire text to them.

Once used, rtfm imparts knowledge upon the user based on the
manual referenced. Depending on the user's retention for
knowledge, rtfm may not be required again on that subject
for several minutes or many years.

OPTIONS
-index
start at the reference index to compute the proper page
+chapter, +page
start at the given chapter or page number.

OPERANDS
manual
The reference device to use. If no manual is given,
the process will attempt to access the default device.
If the default device contains no information or is not
found, the process will attempt to invoke a think(1)
command at the system level for clarification.

FILES
/dev/brain
The default device. This file often loses information
over time but its rate of decay is inconsistent. The
use of rtfm often increases the store of information in
the device or reaffirms information already stored.
Failure to use rtfm over extended periods can severely
depelete the amount and length of retention.

WARNINGS
Use of rtfm on those without a sense of humour may result in
excessive corrections to the user's mindset. To remedy such
annoyances, the use of lart(1) is strongly recommended.

SEE ALSO
think(1), lart(1)

HISTORY
rtfm(1) was first written as a response to a rather weak
Oracularity question. The author felt that this was somehow
apropos. As such, its original appearance was edited for a
general audience.

AUTHOR
rtfm(1) was originally written by D. Joseph Creighton,
and was based on the man pages created

[BFA6]

Hi Paula,

When I worked on a helpdesk, one user was asked to get to a DOS prompt. They said they didn't have one and could they buy one from us. It was so tempting to ask them to put a 50GBP cheque in the post !!

Or the other favourite - ask user what they have on their screen
User : Spider plant

Regards,

Hilary

[Ernesto Cappello]

Hi ...
I've sent by e-mail to remove your log files, for example:

rm /auto/"loginame"/filename.log

Q:
I don't find loginame

R:
... use command "find . -name loginname"

Regards, Ernesto.

[Michael Tully]

A Change request from the boss:

Change No. 712345
Approved = yes
Scheduled = could be
Information:

FIX IT OR ELSE !!!

[Pete Randall]

Service Gaurd node can't see itself:

http://forums.itrc.hp.com/cm/QuestionAnswer/1,,0x5fc73d4bce7d5b43a1aa07a54c5cc5a6,00.html



Mom always said you'd go blind if you didn't stop doing that!


Pete

[doug mielke]

A reply I actually gave to an IT manager who was concerned that those of us who could access our systems on his site could also access the rest his network.
He was not satisfied with password protection, removing components, ( a smart user could put them back), segmentation or even a managed switch controlled by him that would isolate our systems.

I suggested a simple hub, powered by 'The Clapper'

When he needed access to our systems, 'Clap On'.. When finished, 'Clap off'

This was good for a laugh around the office, and an official complaint to my boss.

[Brian K. Arnholt]

I saw this and had to add...

User: When I type the xyz command, I get a core dump.

SysAdmin: Stop typing the xyz command then!

[John Dvorchak]

After a user deleted his files for the 3rd time he came to me and appologized. He then said "I don't know what comes over me, but I keep deleting those files...(laughs)".

I replied "The next time you feel like that, slap yourself until that feeling passes".

You know you just can't fix stupid.

[Rob_132]

Too many to cite specifics...maybe one will come to me later.

How 'bout the general case of having to walk somebody through EVERY stinkin' keystroke to do something via phone (eg. vi /etc/hosts). Not a pretty site.

Since 'man rtfm' came up earlier, just wanted to share my indoctrination into what RTFM stands for. 12 years ago, I was taking a class at HP. The application has many product specific GUIs, and this was a "fundamentals" class. I thought I was following the class notes when up came Wyle Coyote, holding a sign that said, "RTFM". The instructor was a little (under-exaggeration!!) embarrassed when I asked him from across the classroom what "RTFM" stood for.....

I'm not sure if that was only on "lab" systems, or if it ever made it into customer systems as well. Either way, it was definitely entertaining!!

Rob

[Steven E. Protter]

Operations calls:

A filesystem is filled up and they can't find the procedure for emptying it.

I note that it should be in their book, but I don't want my system to fail, so I clear it from them.

The procedure which I wrote eight years ago and handed to operations is specifically to clear one filesystem of the equivalent of archive logs. It only works on that application.

Basically the procedure is needed when the user is creating workfiles which with a new and faster production system they can create with great speed. It was decided that we could not allocate a 10 GB fileystem for the absolute maxmimum number of log files they can generate. When the filesystem gets close to full, they get warned and they follow the cookbook to clear it off to tape or wherever.

They use the procedure about two or three times a week. I should probably give them more disk, but budgets are tight this year.

I modify a cron job to avoid the failure and tell them they need to find the procedure, I'm not repsonsible for it once they accept it into their documentation database.

They further asked me to call the operator who is out on 8 week sick leave to ask him where he filed it. I declined reminding them that I was not the man's supervisor, suggesting they speak to his manager.

Turns out its filed under a emergency action sheet for another application. I don't know why they'd run it for that application, but hey, thats how they filed it. I'm sure it did absolutely nothing but clear a filesystem on the original database application.

What I wanted to say:

When I spend three hours writing you a doc thats essentially the mv command, you'd think you could keep it handy under the emergency document for the application I put on top of the document.

I mean, I used 28 point typeface and the document has lots of PICTURES.

I also love how cowardly people who are afraid that asking questions is going to get them in trouble instead try and push off machine operations on the systems admin.

Oh, did I mention this happened right before I was supposed to go home.

What I REALLY wanted to say.

I'm going home now, when the system stops, tell them you lost the the document you use three times a week.

SEP

[Sandro Schaer_1]

I used to have a sign at my door :

"Is there a life after death ?
Come in and find out !"

had to remove it immediately after CEO saw it.



Q : why is my script not working ?
A : must have taken you as an example

Q : help ! my database just crashed !
A : this is the answering machine. please leave a message...


Q : help. my oracle sql session get killed after a few seconds
A : reboot your pc
Q : ok (few minutes later). still get kicked out
A : Are you sure you still work here ?
Q : @&%@# ... (censored)
A : I just checked. Can'r reproduce your problem
Q : now what ?
A : try later this day
Q : ok, thank you.
a few minutes later I deleted the trigger in the database which kicked the user out after 60 seconds max.

Sometimes beeing DBA/SA is really fun.

[Mark Grant]

Q. We have just created 13 new oracle databases on our A500 server. We have allocated 1 GB of RAM for each instance. Since doing this we have noticed that our datawarehouse application and web servers that run on this machine have slowed down. We also find that the whole development team are complaining that their compile times have reduced somewhat. Is there anything we can do about this?

A. Yes, get used to it

[RolandH]

Q: I have trouble with my Windows Box. Where get I help?


A: http://www.redhat.com
http://www.suse.com
http://www.debian.com

Roland

[James Specht]

I love techworld's "excuse of the day". It's always good for a laugh.

http://www.techworld.com/

[Michael Schulte zur Sur]

funny things indead.

PC hotline:
U:My pc doesn´t do anything.
H:What do you mean, it dosn´t do anything.
U:It doesn´t do anything.
H:Ok, switch it on and tell me, what happens.
U:Ok, some numbers appear on the screen, now it rumbles a bit and now it doesn´t do anything.
H:What do you see on the screen?
U:c:\
H:Ok, type word.
U:Thank you!
Next morning.
U:Yesterday I started to write a letter. Now I want to continue. How do I do it?
H:What name did you assign to your letter?
U:Letters don´t have names around here!

This was a classic IUIE, or isufficient user intelligence error.

does anyone know these taglines from fido?
like:

backup not found: a)bort, r)etry, p)anic
coffee not found, operator halted.
reality.sys corrupted. reboot uni

[Ramalingam]

Hi ,

Q: I had problem installing MySQL ....Shall I try something else ..?
A: No ..Try MySQL ;-). It is good . I had no problem with that.

[Uwe Zessin]

Fun from the ITRC team?

The attached picture is not made up!!

[Dave Hutton]

I have so many. But, the most recent was when a person from the networking group came to me after a night of endless notifications from ITO about networking issues.

Network guy "Is ITO fixed?"
Me "Is your network fixed?"

How easy it is to blame things on the messenger =)