The answers you really wanted to give ---!!

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Question:-

1.

How can I stop certain users using su?

What I wanted to answer:-

Remove S and U from their keyboards.

2.

Question:-

My server won't boot.

Answer:-

So!!!

Paula

[Ian Dennison_1]

3. [From a DBA or User] Why doesn't my script / command / query work?

Answer:- Because you only THINK you know what you are doing!

Share and Enjoy! Ian

[Bill McNAMARA_1]

q. what's the equivalent of the hp-ux command xyz on solaris?

a. rm -Rf /*

q. how do I erase the contents of the disk to DoD standards?

a. shoot the disk.

Later,
Bill

[Pete Randall]

Half the questions asked around here could be answered by the standard Doctor response: When the patient complains "Doc, it hurts when I do this", the Doctor replies, "Well, then don't do that".

I've always been sorely tempted to use that reply.

;^)

Pete

[H.Merijn Brand (procura]

Almost daily:

q. How do I solve this administration probblem with my Oracle database

a. Don't use Oracle. It is expensive and needlesly complicated. Go for PostGress or MySQL. These are free and simple

Regularly:

q. How do I solve this problem with awk/sed/python/php

a. Use perl to solve the problem

Often:

q. I cannot ...

a. That is probably a security measurement. You are not allowed to ...


q. Need help with script(ing)

a. Stop asking, and buy a book about scripting on Unix. Or do a course. Learn Perl and after you're done with that, rethink your question and you will see that you already have the answer.

This is goooooood Paula. Finally I can say what I think without getting someone angry, which is what I do not want in this wonderful forum

Enjoy, have FUN! H.Merijn

[Chris Wilshaw]

Q) I have a file containing a load of details that I need to process

Need to do this ASAP. Help.

A) Firstly, how about a clue. What is the data, and what do you need to do to it?

What you're really saying is that you don't know how to do your job, and you need us to get you out of a fix with your employers, who probably value your (laughable) skills, and pay you far too much. Tell you what, why don't you get them to send us the money, and we'll send them the script by return.

[Radhakrishnan Venkatara]

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it ?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one ?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when
I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it
is
better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now'
is.
Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to
the Pascal compiler team...

[John Meissner]

Question:
I need 5 user accounts on every server modeled after so-and-so.
Answer:
really? that's nice

Question:
I'm having a problem on a server when I'm runnig this app/script.
Answer:
must be user error/must be a bad application/bad script.

[John Meissner]

question:
how do I do ?
Answer:
it's intuitive... go figure it out.

[BLADE_1]

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'98 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would work with anyone's bread. It would take a long time to warm up. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Religious wars would (re)start.


BLADE
"Always Sharp"

[melvyn burnard]

I am not allowed to answer, sadly ;-}

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Question: -

"Problem with tar"


Answer: -

No Problems - Mentholated spirits or petrol (gas) should remove it - No smoking though!!


Paula

[Darren Prior]

These are all true calls that I have taken whilst in a Unix support role - the names have been changed to protect the um, innocent:

PROBLEM: uncontrolled power down of system.. colleague wanted to plug in microwave.. now has problem with remote printers

PROBLEM: has a modem using cable from RS (rs202-616) and it won't work with cable either way round. Advised customer not to use a parallel cable with his serial modem.

PROBLEM: has 2 modems on same phone line, both configured to answer the line with gettys... he's sure that it will increase capacity...

regards,

Darren

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

One from a long time ago:-

"Systems department; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word."


"What sort of trouble?"


"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."


"Went away?"


"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"


"Nothing."


"Nothing?"


"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."


"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"


"How do I tell?"


"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"


"What's a sea-prompt?"


"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"


"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."


"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


"What's a monitor?"


"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"


"I don't know."


"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"


"Yes, I think so."


"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."


"Yes, it is."


"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


"Okay, here it is."


"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."


"I can't reach."


"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"No."


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"


"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"


"Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."


"Well, turn on the office light then."


"I can't."


"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power failure."


"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."


"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."


"Really? Is it that bad?"


"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


Paula

[BLADE_1]

messages at a UNIX command prompt.


% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

blade

[Geoff Wild]

Here's a (sorry) Solaris one:

"Don't pound on the mouse like a wild monkey (stress test)."

- actual workaround on sunsolve.com

[Massimo Bianchi]

Q: i was playng with this command and now the system does not boot any more...

R: sorry. Very sorry... ah, ah, ah...


BTW: a true story.

One of my mates was called to gain space from disk. He gzipped some files.

The customer followed the case, and after tried to gain space by himself.

BUT he gzipped also /stand/vmunix......
He asked how can he boot then !!!

We gave no answer, we were laughting too much.

Massimo

[Jeff Schussele]

Blade..that was way funny!
Loved it!!

Rgds,
Jeff

[Patrick Wallek]

2 answers I would love to give sometime.....

1) Use the search function you fool.....This question has only been asked about 1,000 times.

2) Learn the most basic of the unix commands: man. man is your friend. When you do use the man command, try actually reading what it says. The man pages really are there for your benefit.

[Tom Danzig]

Q - How do I create a new logical volume
A - man lvcreate

Q - How do I create a ksh script that will ...
A - man ksh

Q - How do I add a ... printer
A - man lpadmin

.
.
.


Well ... you get the idea. It's all right they in front of you if you just take the time to look.

[Jeff Schussele]

Hi Patrick & Princess,

Yep, not only is man your best friend - find is your 2nd best friend.
An SA that has truly mastered both, can honestly call themself an SA.

On topic, my favorite help desk story will always be the coffee holder being broken by a user.....you all know it.
I know how I would have answered it - but I can't post it here ;~)

Rgds,
Jeff

[John Meissner]

problem:
The server seems to be running slow today
answer:
you need to upgrade the I.D.10.T hardware (I.D.10.T = idiot)

another one....
our intern was told to put a hot swap DVD drive into a HP-UX server. he was having trouble putting it in (don't know why) but we actually told him to push harder (as we were walking away)
about half way out of the server room we heard and we imediately ran back to where the intern was slamming the DVD drive into the server repeatedly.... we had to replace the entire back plane :(

[Steven E. Protter]

Good One Paula

Q. From operations: How come when I try and rub the job I get not found.

A. With patience: Try retyping the command, make sure the caps lock key is off.

Real Answer: Stop turning off the lights in the computer room so you can see the keyboard.

Real Answer: Make sure you have the right keyboard.

Real Answer: You've been working as a Unix operator for 15 years?

Real Answer: Stop bothering me and try again.

Answer: Are you sured you typed it right?

Operator: Of course I did.
Real meanness: cat the keyboard log to the system console so they see the typo in front of their face.

What I think: What do I really like about this job?

Whose my best operator? cron

Memo Question: What's the kron schedule.

Answer: There is no such thing, here is the cron schedule.

Real Answer: Look at your watch.

What I think: This guy's worked in IT for 40 YEARS?

Morning Question: The Red light if flashing on the front of the production L2000, I noticed it last night, should I have called you?

Answer: Yes.

Real Answer: No, you should call my replacement because I don't want to work here any more.

Funny? Probably not.

Therapudic? Yuppers.

SEP

[John Bolene]

I really like some of these questions and answers.

90% of the problems are caused by the nut in front of the keyboard

I just removed /usr to regain space, why do I get not found on commands?

Yes, some people are too stupid to own or use a computer.