Sys-Admin Humor

[Carlos Fernandez Riera]

More Wins...

See attached jpg...

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of what they call "pizza." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird
on the other hand has got to be an informant, and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...



xxx

Paula

[Wodisch]

Oh Princess,

if you are fond of cats, wh not read Terry Pratchett's new book "The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents"?
That cat (Maurice) would not have any problems to escape...

Thanks,
Wodisch
PS: has anybody seen "Sardines" recently???

[Jim Turner]

To continue Jeff's theme . . .

Creative fodder for trouble ticket resolutions when referring to clueless users:

Short between keyboard and ground.

Loose nut on keyboard.

Problem exists between keyboard and chiar (PEBKAC).

ID-ten-T error (ID10T, "idiot").

Cheers,
Jim

[Brian K. Arnholt]

I have been following this thread for the past few months, and a recent event that happened to a friend prompted me to add on. Following is my friends account of his interaction with the IT hardware guy:

"My hard drive has crashed and all my info is lost. I backed it up about 2 months ago but I have most likely lost all the info I had on a big project I was just working on. What a piece of junk! I haven't been able to do
anything all day because I have been working with our IT group to try to recover a few files. Basically, I'm screwed. As I'm sitting in this guy's cube and he is working on my computer, he gets a call from his girlfriend and she tells him that she just accidently put diesel into his Honda
Accord. He asks me what I think he should do and I tell him to get a new girlfriend. I guess, I just felt helpless that the guy I'm depending on to save my last two months of work is so messed up that he can't even pick a
girlfriend that knows how to pump gas. Damn, damn, damn."

[Michael Tully]

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
Will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. In writing, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

> > > Item Amount
> > > > Gross pay $1,212.02
> > > > Income tax 244.40
> > > > Outgo tax 45.21
> > > > Provincial tax 11.61
> > > > Federal tax 61.10
> > > > Country tax 6.11
> > > > City tax 12.22
> > > > Rural tax 4.44
> > > > Back tax 1.91
> > > > Front tax 1.16
> > > > Side tax 1.61
> > > > Up tax 2.24
> > > > Tic-Tacs 2.98
> > > > Thumbtacks 3.93
> > > > Carpet tacks 1.98
> > > > Stadium tax 2.69
> > > > Flat tax 8.32
> > > > Surtax 3.46
> > > > Corporate tax 2.60
> > > > Parking fee 7.00
> > > > TGIF Fund 9.95
> > > > Life insurance 7.85
> > > > Death Insurance 10.00
> > > > Health insurance 17.23
> > > > Dental insurance 5.50
> > > > Mental insurance 5.33
> > > > Disability 3.50
> > > > Ability 1.25
> > > > Liability $3.41
> > > > Unreliability 10.99
> > > > Coffee 16.85
> > > > Coffee Cups 66.51
> > > > Floor rental 16.85
> > > > Chair rental 1.32
> > > > Desk rental 14.32
> > > > Union dues 25.85
> > > > Union don'ts 3.77
> > > > Cash advance 0.69
> > > > Cash retreats 121.35
> > > > Overtime 1.26
> > > > Undertime 54.83
> > > > Eastern time 9.00
> > > > Central time 8.00
> > > > Mountain time 7.00
> > > > Pacific time 6.00
> > > > Time Out 12.21
> > > > Oxygen 10.02
> > > > Water 16.54
> > > > Heat 51.42
> > > > Cooling 26.83
> > > > Miscellaneous 113.29
> > > > Sundries 14.09
> > > > Office Supplies 14.04
> > > > $100.00 NET TAKE HOME PAY

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week
Your Boss

[John Carr_2]

Patrick

did you have to do a grep on all my forum questions ?

cheers
john.

[Jay D Koonz]

One of my favorites has always been

Why can't sysadmins tell the difference
between Halloween and Christmas ?

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

When Mark Shuttleworth (the very rich space tourist) returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits. It will only work if we all do it.

Pass it on.

[Wodisch]

Hm, I seem to remember that at least one of the "top piranhas" is drinking "Wild Turkey"...

[Ian Dennison_1]

The England captain is the guest speaker at a management seminar. He steps up to the podium and begins his speech. "They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours and to Victoria's delight they're only two calories".

The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side of the podium whispers,
"No David, you're here to talk about tactics."

Share and Enjoy! Ian

[Michael Tully]

This is very KEWL......... Go Sys Admins.....

Subject: " RESIGNATION "

There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...(An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S employee in Port Huncliff, New England)

NOT YOU I HOPE HARRY!!!!


Mr. Baker, As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later.. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely, Ted Brewer

[Pete Randall]

And one more acronym:
SYBASE - Sorry You Bought A Slow Engine

;^)

Pete

[Jim Butler]

I can't resist adding my story.
I ordered my first HP (a G30 - UX 9.04) in June, 1994, with installation support, as I was migrating from a Wang VS 65, and had no prior Unix Knowledge. We placed the order through our software Vendor, and received the hardware. To make a long story short, somehow the paperwork was lost, and HP had no record of us having ordered or paid for a site install.

The installation and migration took Six months, and we cut over In Jan of the new Year. I could never get a call through to HP since they had no record of support, and the system handle that my vendor gave me was not in HP's records. My vendor assured me that they had placed all the proper paperwork in, and after some time, I was able to call in.

Needless to say, it was a frustrating and educational experience. (There were many calls to HP trying to track down the paperwork. Anyway, after the system was up and running, and we had cut over from the Wang, I cleaned out the computer room, and we ran our business.

About 4 months later, (I would say May, 1995, I got a call from HP.

"Hi, this is so-and-so calling from the HP office in Chicago.
We are closing the office here, and we found some paperwork for a G30 system that was supposed to be shipped to you. Have you recieved it, etc...)

I gave up

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Bursting into a bank, the robber points a gun at the teller and
bellows, "give me all the your money or you're geography!''

"Surely you mean history?'', corrects the teller.

"Look,'' snarls the thug, "don't change the subject.''


Paula

[Ceesjan van Hattum]

Have a look at http://www.sysadminday.com
What did you get from your boss?
Ceesjan

[V. V. Ravi Kumar_1]

oh! shit! kill the process

[Frederic Zeller]

I must leave now , I'm in a hurry, but I've just launched a batch that'll run tonight and correct your problem.
I'm absolutly sure and positive it'll work ...

...just in case, you can call me tomorow morning. I might be able to answer on my mobile phone, while on the train ...

Fred

[Ian Dennison_1]

UI found this under the title "NEVER-DOS in UNIX" on a University Website

'You should NEVER EVER switch off the power on a Unix computer unless you know what you are doing. A Unix machine is not like a PC running DOS. Even when you are not doing anything, the system is working in the background. If you switch off the power, you could interrupt the system while it is writing to the disk drive and destroy your disk. You must also remember that several users might be using the system even though you cannot see them: they do not have to be sitting at the machine, they could be logged in over the network. If you switch off the power, you might ruin their valuable work.'

As an old Mainframe Programmer, I find it immensely amusing that a UNIX Orientation Document has to remind the Users that they are sharing the system with others! Perhaps this document is aimed at Micro$ Users?

Share and Enjoy! Ian

[Daimian Woznick]

What do you mean I was supposed to be doing the backups?

Does anyone happen to have a root window open?

Did anyone make a copy of the passwd file recently?

I thought kill -9 was the only way I could kill a process.

[fg_1]

Why are we using RAID? Do we have an infestation problem.

[Mark Greene_1]

some more jargon:

http://davespicks.com/misc/jargon/index.html

mark

[Martin Johnson]

A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe Vs Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."


:-)
Marty

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Martin I am Blonde

>>:-|





How do you know a blonde has been using your PC ??



Typex on the screen.


LOL

Paula