Sys-Admin Humor

[Steve Steel]

My Favourite

I really hate this darned machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want,
But only what I tell it.
-- Author unknown


Steve Steel

[Justo Exposito]

Don't worry Paula,
There are a lot of typex in the supermarket, and is very cheap:^)

Regards,

Justo.

[Carina Calarco]

The trainer of our CAD/CAM department always told our trainees "There is nothing wrong with the system... it is the nut behind the mouse." Well, the day finally came when the trainees started using the line on each other....
The trainer had to leave the room in a fit of laughter the day the one of the trainees proudly announced to her male partner "It's not the system, it's the mouse behind the nut." She is still laughing 3 years later.

[Stephanie Nicholls]

To add to Jeff's comment about barnacles, the Goose barnacle has a penis 25 times as long as its body length! And I had always wondered why my other half was interested in marine invertebrates. ;)

Cheers

Steph

[Jeff Schussele]

Got a good one just for Harry!

I heard the other day the every time someone votes Liberatarian, an Angel get's it's wings! =~)

Cheers Harry,
Jeff (Who'd have to have his rights pried out of his dead, cold hand!)

[H.Merijn Brand (procura]

My sister-in-law called me yesterday with an internet problem. She /did/ plug in the phone line, but got a message: "Cannot display this page when working offline". She lives in England for many years now, so I guess she should have known what that meant :)

I got her to change the setting to work On-line, but now she got "Cannot find host". It took me 15 minutes to make her understand that she also has to make a connection, and that just plugging the line in the right slot in not enough.

She works in the IT business.
She is blond.

[Pete Randall]

http://www.marlin.ac.uk/cgi-bin/sp_images.asp?images=barnacle_mating&topic=Species

I wouldn't have believed it!!

[Jean-Luc Oudart]

Posted that already for Unix story but this belongs to this thread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is more MS type story, shortly available on all platform :

Dear Tech Support,

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system
activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help.
Michael

Dear Michael,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees)

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the "Esc" key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck

Tech Support

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Barbie gets older ---


1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of
blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and
watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of
perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels
shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy
tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps
with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the
tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are
included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto
heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty
arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and
plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky
crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle,
from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a
cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her
old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.
Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer)
is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.
They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for
the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of
"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally
caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve
Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going
to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her
pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and
cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch
watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with
Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting
In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.



Paula

[Keely Jackson]

Hi

Some of these are dreadful and some are relatively amusing.

http://www.dullmen.com/dumb.htm

Keely

[Tom Gore]

True story. My aunt works in a hospital in northern Wisconsin. One day a couple enters the ER. The husband is yelling and screaming at his wife. He was very upset with her. He was complaining how clumsy & careless she was. They were fishing on a nearby lake. His wife was preparing to cast out her line and she snagged him in the cheek on the backswing. They had to go to the ER to have the hook removed. They left the hospital. A short time later the husband could be heard yelling again. They entered the ER a second time. The wife had taken the fishing lure and thrown it on the car seat. Her husband sat on it. He had to have the same lure removed from the "other cheek".

Tom

[Yogeeraj_1]

remember "psalm 129" before attempting something! ;)

[Jeff Schussele]

This is funny!

Win, place, d'oh!

Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =

A London man who stole a woman's bank debit card used it to place two bets on horse races, winning $450, which, because a debit card was used, was credited to the woman's bank account just before the bank stopped activity on the card, police said.


Just goes to show ya that there's one born every minute alright!

Jeff

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Hi

A hot air balloonist is hopelessly lost. He sees a park green with a man walking his dog and descends as far as he dare.
???Excuse me??? said the balloonist, ???can you tell me where I am, I promised to meet a friend an hour ago but I don???t know where I am???.
???You are approximately 30 feet off the ground at a position of between 40 and 41 degrees latitude by between 63 to 64 degrees longitude???.
???You must be an engineer???, says the balloonist.
???Yes I am??? says the man, ???how did you know????
???Well??? says the balloonist, ???the information you gave me appears to be technically accurate, however I have no idea how to interpret your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly you have been no help to me at all???!
???You must be upper management??? says the man to the balloonist.
???I am??? says the balloonist, ???how did you know????
???Well??? says the man, ???you have risen to where you are due to hot air, and you have no idea where you are or where you are going to. You have made a promise that it was impossible to keep. You expect those below you to solve your problems, and the fact is that you are in the same position as you were before we met 30 seconds ago but now, somehow, it???s my bloody fault!???

[Pete Randall]

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day, enjoying some lemonade, when suddenly, the wife reaches over and smacks the husband on the side of his head.

"What was that for?" says the husband.

"That was for 50 years of lousy sex" says the wife.

Several minutes go by. Then, suddenly, the husband reaches out and smacks his wife on the side of her head.

Rubbing her sore head, the wife asks "What was that for?"

"That was for knowing the difference" responds the husband.

[Pete Randall]

OK, I realize we're getting pretty far off topic here, but I had to share this one titled lazy_dot. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, DOT stands for Department of Transportation, i.e. the highway crew.

[Pete Randall]

And, as long as we're on the subject of driving, there's this one (my apologies to all of you ladies out there - I didn't caption it)

[Ian Dennison_1]

I am the first to decry playing of games in work time, but this is hilarious,....

http://www.mohsye.com/games/games.asp?swf=diving&w=550&h=400

Cheers, Ian Dennison

[Sean OB_1]

This is just like Windows right?

[Sean OB_1]

No problem, I've got my MCSE.

[Antonio Valle_1]

Real life:

Doing some SysAdmin support by phone in a 3rd level support center:

"Please, we are going to remove the contents of /tmp. Write Ar Em Space Minus Ar Slash Tee Em Pee"

"Ok... it's done"

"Please double check it"

"Yes, it says Ar Em Space Minus Ar Slash Tee Em Pee"

"ok... press enter"

"ok..... it's taking too long... mmmhhh... what a slow machine ..... wait, I have a call... mmmhhh... users complain that the system is not working.... curious...."

"please, could you read what did you write?"

"Of course, it says
rm -r / tmp "

"And THAT SPACE AFTER THE SLASH WHEN APPEARED????"

System had to be reinstalled and fully recovered!!

Antonio

[Sean OB_1]

Man what? What does gender have to do with anything?

[Jim Turner]

MCSE = Must Consult Someone Experienced.

Microsloth Winblows. You'll go where WE want you to go today. Is that understood?