Sys-Admin Humor

[Justo Exposito]

Hi,

In order to relax try it:
http://yonkis.ya.com/flash/conelmono.htm

This is good for histories like the Antonio Valle's history:-)

Regards,

Justo.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what
you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and
you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. ... I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone
in senior management".


Paula

[Shannon Petry]

Thanks Paula! That one is awsome! ;)


Sincerely,
Shannon

[Kim Kendall]

Disclaimer... Not mine. I saw this on the Dilbert calendar, but it's a keeper!
...
Hmmmm. That's 10 in a row! Maybe it's me!

[Arnold Hausmann]

I saw this on another car several years back and couldn't stop laughing. (Luckily, I was stopped at a light at the time or it could have been bad for me.)

C code,
C code run,
Run, code, run,
Run, damnit, RUN!

[Patrick Wallek]

How about this one (although you'd need the whole bumber for it):

See Windows
See Windows Run
Well, no, Windows has never really RUN has it, maybe walk? No, its never really done that either. How about crawl.... Yeah that's it.....
See Windows
See Windows Crawl
Come on, you can do it,
Crawl Windows Crawl

or

See Windows
See Windows Run
No not crash damnit, I said RUN.
Come on, Run Windows, RUN Damnit.....

or

See Linux
See Linux Run
and Run and Run and Run and Run and Run and Run.....
Take that Windows!

[Wodisch]

Hi Patrick,

regarding to M$'s new EULA on/about .NET (where you are not permitted to make benchmarks) you would not be allowed to make that comparision... (I take that as a hint that you did not sign it, and maybe never will...)

;-)

C code
C code run
C code run and overflow the buffer
C blue (screen)

[Martin Johnson]

Two blondes were lost in the woods. They came across some tracks. The first one shouted,"WOW! Deer tracks! We should follow them. They'll take us to a lake and we could shout for a fisherman to come an save us!"

The other blonde said, "No, they are bear tracks. If we follow them they will lead us to a cave and the bear inside will eat us."

"No, they're deer tracks!"
"Bear tracks"
"Deer tracks"
"Bear tracks"
"Deer tracks"



They were still arguing when the train hit them.

:-)
Marty

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

You have problems when:-



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11 .The company you work for is in receivership, has zero share value,
and can't afford to pay you and yet the directors are getting six and
seven figure pay-offs.
12. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
13. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
14. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
15. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
16. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
17. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
18. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
19. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots
up.
20. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
21. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
22. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
23. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
24. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends"
25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.



Paula

[Nick Wickens]

I found this many years ago in a 1982 Dire Straits tour program - Ideal for sticking to front of systems you don't want any one to touch (And apologies to our German friends who might not understand this at all for obvious reasons).

ALLES LOOKENSGEPEEPERS: Dieses computingmachine is nicht f??r gefinger poken und mittengraben. Ist is easy schnappen der springenwerks, blowen fusen, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Es ist nicht f??r gewerken by das Dummkopf. Das rubbernechen sightseeren keepen hans in dem pockets - relaxen und watchen dem lights blinken.

[Wodisch]

Hey gang,

just found this one about "security" (posted by a "Harry Tuttle", though I doubt is was the Real McCoy...):

Security is like teenage-sex:

1. It's on everyone's mind all the time.

2. Everyone is talking about it all the time.

3. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.

4. Almost no one is really doing it.

5. The few who are doing it are:
a) doing it poorly
b) sure it will be better next time
c) not practicing it safely.

6. Everyone is bragging about their successes all the time, although
very few have actually had any successes.

[Nick Wickens]

Not along the lines of the standard "joke" thread but thought I'd share this with you all.

Last week we had a charity "Gunge the Manager" day which originally was going to be a bucket over the head job. However Sys Admins being ever resourcefull I decided to improve on this and found that a 19inch rack Comms cabinet with the fans removed makes a great gunge cabinet. Most of the mangagers who did not raise enough money got buckets (apart from my manager who got a heavily garlic smelling potion) but the biggest "fund" raiser went into the tank.

A most satisfying day and pictures are available here -

http://www.nickwickens.co.uk/Gunge/gunge.htm

The best bit though was the fact I stuck a webcam in the tank and the video which is on the above site is priceless. Needs fairly recent Windoze Media player to play.

Enjoy.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Nick

Loved it


Paula

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

The British Military writes performance ratings as Officer Fitness Reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are excerpts taken from actual "206's"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[Paula J Frazer-Campbell]

Patrick

As this thread is getting a bit big - how about Son of sys-admin humor.


Paula

[Pete Randall]

Patrick,

It took me three tries to open this today - it's huge! Maybe Paula's right and it's time for Sys-Admin Humor II, with an opening link to the original, which should have a trailing link to the new.

FWIW,
Pete

[Patrick Wallek]

OK Folks, due to the length of this thread (almost 250 responses), and requests by some fellow forumers, I have started a new Sys-Admin Humor thread.

PLEASE CONSIDER THIS THREAD CLOSED.

DO NOT POST ANYMORE HUMOR HERE.

IF YOU WISH TO POST SOME MORE HUMOR PLEASE POST IT TO THE NEW THREAD HERE:
http://forums.itrc.hp.com/cm/QuestionAnswer/1,,0xa28d402f24d5d61190050090279cd0f9,00.html

Thank you for your cooperation.

[KapilRaj]

Good one !! I suppose
********************************
To Tech Support
Sub: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
Dear Software Engineer,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my otherfavorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the UN-install Does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in
module House Security. The UN-installation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!
Regards Desperate User

********************************
Reply from Tech. Support
Dear User,
Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to Run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action
will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating
system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support.
***********************************

[Steven E. Protter]

This past weekend.

I get a call saying the NIC card on my test server is dead.

Call in, talk to a few people, turns out that the box pretty much crashed, and nobody knows why.

It develops. I look into it assuming my server might need to be brought onto the net using its old 10 BaseT Ignite NIC card.

I see a tone of information about disk power fails in syslog, after I boot the box with the power switch via my minions who live closer to the office.

Turns out the entire organizations disk array went south for five minutes at 11:29 a.m. Saturday.

At 3:54 p.m. same day, the entire network for the server switch at least took a vacation of at least five minutes.

What actually happened: Our disk adminsitrator(yes we have one) pulled out the drive of the disk array that the ARRAY boots off of(upgrading, giving steve more space).

Every Windows or Unix server that used the array took a hit. One HP-UX server never recovered.

Nobody knows why the server switch or all machines on that network leg failed.



Management's decision once I made sure the true situation the decided to concentrate on giving me my disk space (yay!) and hope the network problem doesn't recur. They'll look at that Monday.

I think its pretty funny, brushing up the resume though just in case.